A Mom’s dilemma

My decision of having my kids over to live with us oftentimes leaves me pondering, was this the right decision?

I and my husband went abroad to pursue our graduate students. We survive mainly on our respective scholarship stipends after quitting our respective jobs back home. Our part-time jobs as research assistant help too. As graduate students, we need all the time and effort to finish as soon as possible. So it is just rational enough that we shouldn't be bringing our kids over. On the other hand, I couldn't completely focus on my studies. I couldn’t help thinking about my poor little kids being left behind. Sure their grandparents took good care of them, but don’t they deserve their parents?

Then again I thought about the perks of not having kids over. When I came here alone four years ago, the absence of my husband and kids made me play around with my schedules – working at night till dawn with my experiments or having late night outs with friends without thinking of a child waiting for bedtime stories. However, I still longed for their company. When my experiments failed or beat deadlines, I wished my husband was here to comfort me. When I felt depressed and thought of giving up, wished my kids were here to kiss and embrace all my anxieties away.  I never felt so alone in the midst of the bustling city and beer drinking friends. The laughter, the yelling, the tantrums my kids had thrown - I missed it all.

When my husband decided to join me a year later in pursuit of his own PhD studies, I felt so happy. Life was good. Somehow, years of living apart had strengthened our marriage. Indeed we enjoyed our second honeymoon. When I finished my masters studies and got accepted for a PhD program, then I realized that both of us will be missing 5 or more years of our kids’ lives. No way! Missing my younger daughter’s first steps and first words were sad and terrible enough. I don’t wanna miss anymore of their birthdays, Christmas seasons or their everyday growth! No way, enough is enough. Then, I made a big decision. I will bring my kids over no matter what. My husband and parents-in-law were very apprehensive of the idea. Debates were thrown but in the end I won (*grin*).

Indeed God is good. He makes all things possible. Things worked out as planned. Our kids finally joined us here. We’re making up for the lost years we missed. Now I could enjoy all their kisses and embraces to my heart’s content. Now I can be a real mother. Life is never been better. Every day is a blessing. Together we will journey this life. Sure there will be hardships we meet along the way. But that’s what makes life more interesting and challenging. I learned to be grateful in little things that I took for granted for years. Indeed life is full of surprises and we live to enjoy them.

As for my dilemma on whether I made the right decision or not, well, let’s forget about it lol. More than ever, I am resolved  that I made the right decision.

I would not enjoy such a bliss had I chosen to leave my babies behind.

Working 10 hours a day!

New semester is coming!

I'm up for new strategies, be a new Mommy Kate - more disciplined, more focused, and hopefully smarter.  

I would start fulfilling these new goals by doing a simple task – and that is to work at least 10 hours a day. Question is: how in the world would I manage this?

My proposed schedule then:

6 – 7 AM – prepare breakfast; breakfast for me and my kids
7:15 – 7:30 – send Joey to school
7:30 – 8:15 – prepare me and Aron for school
8:20 – send Aron to school and me off to my college
8:30 – 4 PM – Laboratory/ school/ classes/ experiment (that’s 7.5 h)
4:15 – fetch kids from school
5 – 8:30 – prepare dinner, dinner, laundry, household chores, let kids study and do their homework, let Neil tutor kids their homework
9:30 – let kids sleep
8:30 – 11 – study for my own stuff (that’s 2.5 h)
11 PM – 6 AM – sleep (7 h)

Hmmm, this schedule may not be bad.  It’s quite interesting and way far challenging. Let’s see if Lazy Kate can handle this. So working 10 hours a day is not after all impossible to achieve (?). If I would just stick to my program, devote a little bit of hard work and practice a scary heap of discipline, I might accomplish my goals in no time… 
Aaahhh!!! I don't know! Hopefully…

Missing my baby Aron

This is a repost from my old blog (Jan 2011):

Just thinking about Aron coming over to live with us gives me immense happiness.

I wanna go home and bring her over. I’ve been living in Taiwan for almost four years now therefore been missing my daughter on these long years. My husband was able to join me two years ago thus leaving our kids behind with their grandparents. My thirst for Joey (elder daughter) was quenched when we brought her here last year to live with us. But Aron, my younger daughter was left behind for 3 years now.

I remembered being separated from her when she was still a fragile 7 months old due to my job status, and reunited 3 months later, and then separated once again when she was still 1 year and 3 months old until now at 4 years old. I felt so bad not being there for her. I felt terrible not able to  feed her in my own arms, take her to bath, witness her first step and first run. I felt awful never been there to hold her in her sleep, ease her pains when she doesn’t feel well, and simply being there for her when she needs her mother. For years I’ve been longing to hold her and feel her tight embrace, hear her sweet voice, her soft laughter, her loud cries, her gentle snoring at night, and even her annoying tantrums.

But now I’m going home to take her. My ultimate dream of living together as a whole family will be realized. My wish of cradling Aron with my own bare hands is no longer beyond reach. Just thinking about these possibilities is blissful enough.

Aron at 1 year old